The Ballad of the House of Lords
There are ladies and lords and people with swords
and one or two in riding boots
there are barons and earls and viscounts in pearls
concealed under Savile Row suits.
There are marquesses and dukes and other such sooks
who’ve dropped in by from the races
for there’s lunch to be had of pressed gammon and crab
to satisfy several gluttonous graces.
There’s Bordelaise sauce and tarragon concasse,
and slow cooked ox cheek for lunch
while somebody croaks another snorts coke
with more in the bar quaffing punch.
A parcel of rogues went down in their brogues
from Scotland to sponge off our taxes
Lord MacFlannel this and Lady MacPish
downing drams until both collapse(s).
There’s boozers and cruisers and downright losers
who’ll turn up to vote on all fours
and Lord Whip-me Quickly and Lady Most Thickly
high class whores and out and out bores
Lords Nanny-oh-Nanny let me lie on your fanny
and some that are down on their luck
bankers and wankers and judges who’re spankers
and some who’re just there for the… company.
Both jailbirds and crooks and those who’ve cooked the books
In their velvet silk they preen
they’re sad and they’re mad and invariably bad
as they sit on their arses serene.
On the woolsack they repose, stuffed with bodies of those
from the commonwealth exploited and oppressed
died creating the wealth accrued by British stealth
from people and lands repressed.
They’re gruesome and cant and hysterically camp
and they pay lip service to duty
but they snivel and flout as they mumble and pout
frightfully snooty while pocketing their booty.
With tax-free pay, £300 every day
if they choose to turn up for the fee
with expenses besides for air travel and rides
from France or the banks of the Dee.
Freeloaders and grovellers and democracy spoilers
who backscratch their way to the House
with brown envelopes or bribe they join a huge tribe
of 800 peers, each a louse.
There are city boy slickers some fur coat and nae knickers
there’s Lord Rent-a-Gob down from the north
and Ladies who’ll do benders in stockings and suspenders
whose value is all in their girth.
We’ve a bootlicking bunch that scheme during lunch
of lavender shortbread and cream
they’re all pals and they’re cronies and out and out phonies
all cogs in this corrupt regime.
The crawlers and creeps and Uriah Heeps
that dominate this Other Place
the sycophants and leeches, Church of England preachers
attendees of this House with the mace.
Those winkers and nudgers and out and out fudgers
who’ve no business making laws by rights
putting on airs and graces they mix in high places
with Dames and doddering old Knights.
They snigger and incite as they straighten their tights
the cross-benchers that is in their hose
and they squat in their jackets that were tailored by Hacketts
crowing that’s no skin off my nose.
For they’re pampered and rich and often quite kitsch
these Peers in their rabbit skin cloaks
more suitably goat rather than stoat
that’s wrapped around these pompous old soaks.
Scarlet, white and gold they gather so bold
a mob more hideous than most
and they smirk and they wink and they horribly stink
of sewers and all things gross.
Lady Oily, Lord Glib, Lord Bluster, Lady Fib
all revelling in their conceit
to shore up a regime of autocratic extreme
to screw every man in the street. (and woman)
Lord Toff to Lord Swell said it’s all very well
for other to criticise us at our game
but we’re magnates and lairds not politically impaired
tho’ we haven’t a vote to our name.
There are nawabs and sheikhs and all sorts of cliques
that run countries without any fuss
what’s the problem with Britain so many are smitten
with real democracy in place of this bluff.
They check in Burke’s Peerage and generally forage
to find their names get a mention
for it’s gratifying to see Lords and Ladies Swan-ky
are doing their bit for the nation.
Lady Ladida and Lord Heehaw took the mace for a see-saw
connected not brainy you see
pedigree and good breeding can be so misleading
when deciding who gets in and succeeds.
So the time has come for us to generate a fuss
to demand that we drop this sham now
that the Lords needs amending instead it needs rendering
obsolete this old sacred cow.