Zimmer Man and the Transport Minister – It’s gotta be BBC GMS

I was lying in my bed. Well it was the holiday season. I should have known better than to turn on the radio. It was later than I thought. Some guy from Good Morning Scotland was doing the talking. He said it was windy. The guy wasn’t wrong. That’s kinda unusual on GMS.

I thought it might have been the weather forecast. It usually is the weather forecast – or the travel report.

‘And now it’s time for travel.’

Jeez it’s always time for travel on GMS. Travel is the tail which wags this dog BBC Scotland. If it’s not travel it’s weather. Events come no bigger than weather and travel. The world of BBC Scotland stops every 15 minutes for weather or travel or a combination thereof. They are bigger than anyone anywhere else might imagine.

But this was no ordinary day. This was a windy day.

Cloned presenter: ‘We have the Transport Minister with us.’

They have these presenters who are interchangeable. They probably come cheaper that way. They sound identical so that listeners don’t feel they’re being sold short when one of them is off being re-programmed.

Cloned presenter: ‘Transport Minister the weather is different from last year. Last year it was very snowy and this year it’s very windy.’

Awesome! In the future there will be whole conferences devoted to this in-depth reporting that defines BBC Scotland.

Cloned presenter: ‘Minister a listener on a zimmer frame has been in touch with us regarding his safety in these high winds. As Transport Minister what do you recommend this citizen does to ensure his safety? It is after all your responsibility that this man and all citizens on zimmer frames, skateboards, washboards, Shanks’ pony, Shetland pony, gravy trains get to their destinations without incident. What advice can you give our listener struggling with his zimmer frame against 90 mile an hour gusts of wind?’

Transport Minister: ‘ I urge this citizen to be very careful.’

Cloned presenter: ‘Thank you Transport Minister for this timely advice. And now we have the travel report or is it the weather? – and do we care as long as it fills a space and I get time for a quick fag.’

I froze. Not literally. What sort of world had I wakened up in? Last time I checked into life there had been all sorts of despicable happenings in the middle east that might have warranted actual news reporting. I guess they’d all been sorted overnight. It’s great to know there are still standards in this damned world and that BBC Scotland is setting them.

Just wait till I stoop down to that level. Ooh, not quite there – can’t quite make it…

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