Aberdeen City Councillors: A Biological Classification

Invertebrata: without a backbone – weak, irresolute, characterless.

1. Molluscs – These are soft-bodied creatures and similar to arthropods are protected by hard outer shells. Mollusc elected members become shorter and fatter when confronted with an adversary and for many they retain this form for the remainder of their existence. This group holds a reputation for its slimy behaviour when challenged but often its most effective deterrent is its ability to bore. Many can be seen to glide along on large feet especially during elaborate functions when they can be spotted indulging their voracious appetites. They will munch through platters of sandwiches and pastries at incredible speeds with their horny teeth. Liquids, too, of all descriptions are sucked in one end then run straight through and out the other. Often active at night the mollusc councillor is capable of travelling 1 mile in 5 1/2 days. Some of this class are hermaphrodite yet still display mating habits, not always commendable, for they are reputed to eat the other’s slime before mating. Most molluscs are regarded as severe pests.

2. Annelida – This variant includes some of which apparently hatch from cocoons and some of which are most definitely parasitic. Pale, pink, soft and boneless the annelid or worm is distinctive by its tiny head. In fact it is little more than a gut with a mouth at one end and an anus at the other. Similar to the mollusc they will eat almost everything placed before them consuming as much as their body weight every single day. Some are known to be easily charmed out of their habitats with drink and food and, on occasion, a 4-pronged pitch-fork. With no proper eyes they cannot see properly but are able to sense the light which they steadfastly move away from. Neither are they capable of hearing. Nor can they talk. In effect they are deaf, dumb and blind. Finally they have a reputation for being cold-blooded which makes taking decisions about closing facilities for the most vulnerable in society easy to carry through, being more comfortable with fellow parasitic creature aka rich and powerful.

3. Arthropoda –Mainly carnivorous this form of councillor is generally bi-segmented into partial toughness to deflect attack yet maintaining a softer if rather bulbous rear end. Some are competent at spinning elaborate webs to trap prey (may even sound credible until their arguments are dissected). They have been known to paralyze victims through their devastating acts which ultimately suck their victims dry. Males may be smaller than females and where this occurs they are easily overpowered by her. This category of creature is infamous for its lack of balance such as the Cravenfish. Many of the unsuspecting among us are greatly terrified by this form of creature, running screaming from them but when on occasions when they are overpowered and squashed it is seen the arthropods blood is indeed yellow.

4. Echinodermata – These creatures are distinguished by their rough appearance. Often rotund they may be bristly on top – not exactly on their heads as they have no heads as such and consequently no teeth and, naturally, no brains. Most echinodermata councillors are celebrated for their gravelly bottoms and bulky reproductive organs. The few who are capable of seeing have those eyes close to their tails. This phyla is able to reinvent itself whenever required. For echinoderms can change colour making them ideal candidates for coalition administrations. As with any wet creature drying out can be a problem so they maintain their equilibrium through constant imbibing in order to retain their body shape. Because they lack a head it is often impossible to distinguish the front from the back of the echinoderm councillor so giving the impression it does not know if it is coming or going at any one time.

5. Coelenterata – Perhaps one of the most primitive of creatures, this symmetrical example has no brain, heart or backbone. They are without any proper eyes as well although one group can have up to 24 eyes, none is capable of seeing, which given they have no brain is perhaps irrelevant as they would be incapable of processing an image, or indeed a thought. Coelenterata councillors react mainly to food but are also driven to large intakes of liquid and incredibly their bodies are up to 95% liquid or is that proof? Very simple creatures as these are also devoid of an anus and must expel waste, otherwise known as shite, through their mouths. The ones which do feature an anus frequently discover they have not a single one but are made up of a surfeit , up to 64 at the last count. Often symmetrical there are examples of Coelenterata Councillor being older than the dinosaurs certainly in their thought processes. The main threat from this group is through their sting which is most targeted at the most needy. The collective name for this group of invertebrates is a smack.

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